Birthdays Smirthdays.

Today is the day that I spend  reveling  in Facebook notifications and attempting to identify the persons singing various renditions of Happy Birthday on my voice mail.

It's my birthday ya'll.

Which is usually a time to celebrate, and I am, but not outwardly. Awe hells naw. On the inside I'm all like those bratty girls on my Super Sweet Sixteen, you know the,  It's my day... do what I want (whiny voice), but on the outside I'm all like "oh my birthday? today's my birthday? huh I must've forgotten... silly me hah hah (fake chuckle) act totally cool, because that's what you do. Over-zealous birthdays are so done, like The Wade Robeson Project or Pimp my Ride or something. Being excited for your own birthday is not only shallow...it's soo 2002.

But alas, here we are...May 24th. The day of my entrance into the world 27 years ago via c-section. Can we all just raise the roof that I've made it this far? I mean, seriously, it's shocking that no has tried to knock me out, seeing as how I literally have no filter on my words.

So that's something to celebrate right?

But it wouldn't be a proper birthday without a little self-loathing, and irrational goal setting. So here I go.

1. I'm giving up cap sleeves 

I know that the second that I see an on sale T-shirt dress, this is all going to go out the window, but I hate the way I look in cap sleeves. Maybe it's my straightened out barrel of monkey- like arms (they are so long Stretch Armstrong looks at me weird), or maybe it's the fabric, but they just look odd and to top it all off, they get caught in my armpits. Then I get those pit wrinkles, that even ironing can't remove, so I'm only left with the option of starching them, and no matter how bad things in life get, no dress is worth starching your armpits. That's a number one life low point. Such is why I'm going to attempt to lay off the caps for awhile.

2. I'm not cutting my hair until my 30th birthday. 

I'm making this goal and even I'm calling bull on this one. I mean, on paper this idea sounds great, but I'm already going into it with the underlying agreement with myself that  " yes I'm growing it out, but I'm  'allowed'  to get a trim". Then my irrational rationalizations will begin to take over and I'll justify to myself that 4 inches is necessary for "healthy growth' and before you know it I'll be hipster bound again. So yes, I'm attempting this, but I give it a year tops. Sorry self, I just don't have that kind of faith in you.

3. I am going to write something great every single day

And by great I mean something decent and by every single day I mean, like twice a week. Let's be realistic.

4. I am going to stop making unachievable goals for myself. 

This one may actually be attainable, at least for this post. So I'll finish up by saying no more regarding my birthday goals. Boom, just like that, I've met one Birthday goal already! Hip hip hooray... 2 points for me. 27 is going to fit really nicely I think. Here's to hoping I can squeeze every last drop of fun out of my 20's and bottle it up to drink in my 30's. Hey Hallmark...I'm not sure if you just heard those cash registers ching-chinging, but I think I may have just written your next best selling Birthday card. You're welcome. 

Cheers to Booze, Birthdays and Blog posts chock full of narcissism.

Happpppppppppppp-yyyyyyyy Birthday tooooooooooo meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.




^^^This just in...This was my  200th Blog Post! Wait, aren't I supposed to be successful by now? Haha Kidding.

 In all seriousness though, THANKS for stopping by... without you reading this there would be no Random Blog Drama. It would just be Random Drama, which is kind of the web equivalent to The Jerry Springer Show... and we all know how that show is viewed by society. So take a bow for reading this, you truly are a rockstar.

Thank you Thank you Thank you! 200 down millions to go right?


XOXO,

Jess

Husband.

It was the summer of 2004. I was headed off to college, freaked out about date rape and frat boys, when I found myself on a bus full of dancers and cheerleaders on our way to camp to represent Wright State University.

It was happening. I was a college freshman a total fish out of water, and back at social square one. Luckily, a 15 hour bus ride is the perfect time to make new friends. Since I was a freshman, I didn't have a seat (riding in the aisle was part of my freshman initiation) so I floated all along the bus, mostly involuntarily due to the horrible driving of our bus driver. Bumping into people, is totally the best way to start conversations, so I chalked it all up to fate and introduced myself to everyone. I especially gravitated to one particularly cute and funny male cheerleader, and almost like a magnet our story began. 

He introduced himself, and we spent all night (it was an overnight trip) staying up late and quoting lines from "The Best of Will Ferrell" and discussing why Dane Cook was only "sometimes funny". Although I was still dating my serious high school boyfriend  (who went away to college), I became great friends with this male cheerleader who totally just got me. He understood comedy (my favorite subject) he was caring, and always the life of the party.

I decided at that moment that this cat was pretty cool, and after asking him years later, his exact words were "I totally had a thing for the hot new freshman (gee golly, me?), but I knew she had a boyfriend, so I put it all out of my mind". Spoken like a true gentleman. 

Flash forward to Winter 2006. After a rough breakup with my high school boyfriend and many failed attempts at dating anyone resembling an ounce of normalcy, I decided to own being single (for the first time in my life) and enjoy my freedom. I got super involved in college, made the best grades and continued my role as a dancer supporting my school. My fellow dancers became like family and we took care of each other. My favorite male cheerleader had since graduated and became a teacher at my old Alma mater (weird, I know) but his then girlfriend was still cheering (she was younger), so I saw them together often, even though we hadn't hung out in quite awhile. 

Timeout: At this point I didn't know that I had a thing for this guy, but I was very protective in a friend way, Totally, ridiculously protective. 

I didn't really know his girlfriend, but some of the cheerleaders had some unspoken beef with the dancers and we in turn had issues with them. Tattling really? Any who, we weren't the best of friends. to say the least. So that's why when I heard the rumor , and saw with my own eyes,  that she was cheating on my favorite male cheerleader with another less amazing and sourly male cheerleader, I told my coach and friend Heather, who was a mutual friend of mine and favorite male Cheerleader. Because I was outraged. HE WAS MINE! MY FAVORITE MALE CHEERLEADER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! My Respectful, fun, sweet, perfect friend did not deserve this! 

I think the conversation with Heather went a little like this.

"Heather, did you hear *Blank is cheating on My Cheerleader? How could someone do that to him? He's the greatest guy! I mean, I just LOVE him."

Sometimes that subconscious has a funny way of slipping in it's two cents.Not to mention a little thing called fate and by golly, that fate was working overtime,  because Heather immediately called My Male Cheerleader and told him that his girlfriend was indeed cheating(he'd had a hunch, but this was the proof he needed to end it) , but Heather, always the positive counselor,  finished the conversation on a high note, letting him know that " the good news is that Jessica is in  love with you".

Ugh, I'm cringing as I'm writing this, I've never been the shrinking violet , and I'm not a very patient waiter for someone to chase after me... Clearly Disney movies hadn't taught me anything in life. 

But one party and three weeks of hanging out every single day, we called it official and became an item. A year and a half later we became engaged and a year and a few months after that we got married. 

On May 23, 2009, my favorite male cheerleader became my Hubster. For all of eternity. 

Happy 4th Anniversary Hubs, and a special thank you shout out to the used-to-be for cheating in plain sight so I could pass along the information to my girl Heather, who to this day I owe everything great in my life to.

Oh, and in case you're wondering,  it was all totally worth it...even the initial awkward, 'yes I said I was in love with you' conversation, because out of all that crazy,  I landed the Hubster of my dreams and now we have two adorable kiddos. Life really couldn't be any better.  

And THAT my friends, is how you catch a Husband. 

Yes a dancer married a cheerleader, our relationship is a combination of the movies Center Stage and Bring it on. Talk about a mishmash of dreams amIright? Cooper Neilsen and T-T-T-Torrence (you're captain Torrence)? Mind. Officially. Blown.

All about a Wednesday.

Bubbles. The alpha of all summer activities in our world. 

It's an Indian Summer, Native American summer? Is that even a thing? here for sure. Hot hot heat and  unbearable humidity. Well hello, Ohio...you've surely skipped spring. Fortunately  the heat and the small children give me a free pass to frolic in the hose like an overgrown hillbilly in a retro bikini (I'm sure Mod Cloth had an entirely different image for their product), but since the only beach in southern Ohio belongs to the muddy, chemical dump...a.k.a the  Ohio river, I'll take the lesser of the two evils and drink from the garden hose like it isn't polluted with fluoride. OH why can't anything be innocent anymore?

To top it all off.... My anxiety levels are at a dangerous high, with the crazy storms that hit our country this week. As a lifetime worry wort and habitual freak about storms (seriously, I'm on a first name basis with my local meteorologist ..well I call him by his first name, he doesn't actually know me), there's nothing that scares me more than Tornadoes. So as we brace ourselves for a bit of severe weather, I'm thinking and  praying for those who are sifting through the rubble and trying to fit their lives back together, piece by piece.

Oh and I'm also hugging my boys and kissing their squishy cheeks a bit more than usual, but that goes without saying. I feel like I've said that way too much this year, and it's only May.

Speaking of May... in our house, this is a big month. Tomorrow will be our 4th anniversary and then Friday is my birthday. Ugh, those Birthdays were so rad back in the day. Now they just remind me of my youth that is gone and it's a countdown until I hit geriatric level and I can say whatever I want.

But I love this week. Every year, this is my retrospective week where I plan out my life, and make irrational expectations of myself, knowing that the odds of me sticking to them are slim to none. It's almost like a semi-annual planning of resolutions that may never come to fruition, of sorts...it's all wildly liberating.

So there's that going for me this week.

Oh and also, it's about that time to brace ourselves for a long weekend, full of sunscreen (for the boys) ,and on purpose sunburn ( for me...I truly adore laying out), summer drinks and mooching off of our neighbors pool. Is there a better way to pay my respects on Memorial Day? I think not.

So here's to all of the fun that the end of May has to offer.

Ahoy ye' MAYteys.

An unlikely pair.

After church yesterday, we were driving on the official Cincinnati Festival hunt (Catholic Church festivals are legit around these parts, perfect fun for a small budget) and as we were waiting at a stop light, an interesting looking couple holding hands (and looking very much in love for that matter) crossed in front of our car.

As they were crossing I looked at the Hubster and remarked that this couple seemed like an unlikely pair. And they did. The girl was BEAU-TIFUL, dressed to the nines in a flowing Maxi, adorable shoes, and literally the most perfect accessories I have ever seen in my life. Her hair and makeup were flawless, and she was just glowing radiance.

The guy not so much. He had a long stringy mullet, was wearing an airbrushed wolf shirt and Pajama pants. Needless to say, they were a little mis-matched.So when I said those words out loud, my expectation was for my husband to agree. I mean PJs and Evening gown! Come on!

Instead, he looked at me mouth agape. Like I had just sprouted two heads. And he uttered the words I least expected to hear.

" Jess I can't believe you would say something so racist"

After a double- no TRIPLE take at the couple, I realized what he was talking about. They were a mixed couple.And I didn't even notice. But my words, my completely innocent words were taken to a horrible, ugly place, even though my intentions weren't anywhere near racial.

Sigh. In one breath I'm happy. Happy that I married someone who cares enough about me and my face (so I don't get punched for saying something stupid), and sad, that such an innocent statement could be turned into something so awful.

For the record, I am not racist, but if I see you out in Pajamas an an airbrushed wolf shirt, I may double take...especially if you're holding hands with someone way out of your league.

I'm nothing if honest.

Picnics, Spiddles, and dirt...OH MY!

Those are straight up happiness spiddles. Try not to melt. 

Ohio weather has really been courting us hard this late spring. Diving in for that first smooch, holding the door open, the whole nine yards. And although this unseasonable warmth  is  putting a damper on my razor budget since we're starting this whole summer thing earlier,  I'm totally rocking the whole forgive and forget mentality, bucking up and doing my female shaving duties without complaint, because this weather gets the little guys out of our house and into the world. Summer is in the business of making little boys smile. And today was no exception.

Here in Ohio, sunny days usually follow the same protocol, sleeping in tad later than usual oh that air conditioning makes me SWOON, followed by a quick breakfast/ sunscreen application (which usually results in me tasting Coppertone for the rest of the day), then heading outside for hardcore playtime only to be stopped by lunch, which this particular day was sponsored by Ronald McDonald himself, then to continue the afternoon/evening with more play.

And the grand finale, is that after a quick dinner, bath and minimal protest, the boys are off to dreamland only to be awakened by the next morning's sunny day to start it all over again.

It's 100% summer bliss at it's finest.

Bravo Ohio. It looks like you've outdone yourself once again.

Praying and hydrating. Multi-tasking is a very important part of  busy sunny day plans.

Speaking of unnecessary photography,

I was named one of the 30  Mommies to follow on DisneyBaby.com!
Check it out by CLICKING HERE (hint; slide 21 my guys are riding a vacuum, um I mean "spaceship")!!!!!